Updated: Mar 2
by: T.M. Brunson
I've been on this journey since August 2020 of trying to figure out what I want...who I am. I never knew that on the other side of my 40s, that I'd be single again. And, now, I've added "mother" to that title and I feel like I've become a cliché. Growing up, I vowed that I would never get divorced. And, having a fairytale wedding with my high school sweetheart just solidified that vow; but, I guess, some vows are meant to be broken...
There are so many things that I have missed in my past relationships, that I now look back on and realize that it is true when they say that "hindsight is 20/20." For this reason, I've been going back to re-watching past shows—Sex & the City, Gossip Girl...and old movies—Love Jones, Love & Basketball. I don't know what it is that I'm searching for or what it is that I'm hoping to find. I've even rekindled old friendships. And, just this morning, I realized that sometimes the past isn't always what it seemed to be. That, in my mind, I'm always looking for that fairytale—as if I'm living in a romcom—and maybe that's where my issues lie.
Why are women always searching for love when they should be comfortable with themselves?
If that's not a Carrie Bradshaw moment, I don't know what is.
Maybe I'm ready for a Beverly Hills, 90210 moment like when Kelly told Brandon and Dylan, "I choose me."
Growing up, my life has been filled with entanglements. I saw a few of the men in my life leave their wives for the "other woman." I watched TV shows and movies where the girl was always confused between two leading men.
Big vs. Aidan. (Sex & the City)
Noel vs. Ben. (Felicity)
Dawson vs. Pacey. (Dawson's Creek)
Chuck vs. Nate. (Gossip Girl)
Brandon vs. Dylan. (Beverly Hills, 90210)
Stefan vs. Damon. (The Vampire Diaries)
Edward vs. Jacob. (The Twilight Saga)
Leo vs. Dan (Charmed)
Lawrence vs. Daniel. (Insecure)
All of these shows/movies have one thing in common—drama. I am over the drama. I think I've had enough drama in my life to write a book. Seriously. My life could be an entire book series. So maybe 2021, the latter part at least, can be drama-free.
I don't want to be Carrie. I don't want to be Issa. I want to be Tiesha.
Who Am I?
I am a woman in her mid-40s who still feels like she's in her mid-30s sometimes.
I am a mother. And I do the best that I can.
I am trusting. I believe in God. I pray. As for trusting people...sometimes I trust others too much. I guess you can say that that's one of my flaws.
I'm a good listener. When you really hear someone, you can tell what kind of person they are.
I am a free-spirit like my paternal grandmother. I feel and think with my heart; and sometimes people take advantage of that. I'm trying to become the person who recognizes these people and to trust my gut to know that they don't have my best interests at heart.
I am the person who recognizes my worth but wants to bless people and "pay it forward" with my gifts/talent to help them.
I am a good friend. If I ever don't see eye to eye with someone, I will talk it out, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation, because that's what friends do. Life is too short to have things fester.
I am the woman who will give money to a person who needs it because I have been that person and I know how it feels.
I am the one who aims to keep in touch with exes because they brought something into my life—and even if it wasn't always good, it taught me how to be strong. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.
And, no, I'm not perfect. I don't always do the right thing. However, I am on my own journey—flaws and all. I will make mistakes, but I will eventually learn from them. I will not judge other people's journeys because who am I to cast a stone?
Question of the Day
Are you comfortable with who you are, as a person? Please share your thoughts on the AMI Facebook page @allmommyissues.