Updated: Jul 14, 2020
Written by: T.M. Brunson
Forewarning: This blog entry might be a little graphic for some as I relive one of the most painful experiences of my life.
Why don't we as new moms or "veteran"/"golden" moms talk about our miscarriage(s)? This was one of the most painful experiences of my life and I felt like I was so isolated. So alone.
When I found out that I was pregnant, it was probably at the most inopportune time. I had just made a huge move across the country, just started a new job, and I was living with my in-laws. I didn't know how things would pan out; but, I figured it out five other times, so I thought this would be no different.
Until the bleeding began.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY?
I had never bled so early in my pregnancy before. (At least, that I can recall.) I remember thinking I was going to lose my firstborn early on because my HCG levels were low; but my OB gave me progesterone inserts to bring the levels back up.
The thought of me having a miscarriage didn't even occur to me because I had five healthy girls. I just thought that it was something else.
I was so new to south Jersey that I didn't even have an OB. I had to find one to go to on my lunch break. They did an ultrasound. I saw the baby, but the look on the nurse's face said it all.
I measured 9.5 weeks. I remember, explicitly, because I thought of the movie "9 1/2 Weeks." I was only less than three weeks to being "in the clear"of passing that three month mark when I could share the news with the world.
Then the doctor came in and told me that I was having a miscarriage and that he was just going to let me pass it naturally. I barely remember what he said after that.
I thought I did something wrong. I thought, maybe I wasn't grateful for this baby because it was coming at the worst time for me and that I was being punished for feeling that way. I thought it was because I was the only one who wanted the baby...
I clearly remember asking, "Why is this happening to me?" And do you know what the doctor said? "This sometimes happens to women of advanced maternal age."
"Advanced maternal age?" I was not that old. I had just turned 43. Janet Jackson had a baby at 50! How insensitive!
I had always heard that miscarriages weren't easy—emotionally—but I had no idea that the physical pain was going to be what it was. At the time, I had already had five c-sections, so my tolerance for pain was pretty high.
But I never knew pain like that before.
It felt like someone was stabbing me with multiple knives, in the same place, in the pit of my stomach. I cried so much and was in so much pain that I had to go to the hospital—twice—that week.
I never wanted to go through that excruciating pain ever again. There were so many women who have had to endure this pain over and over again. I couldn't even imagine.
And then, no one prepared me for the baby actually coming out.
In theory, I knew it was going to happen; but I didn't know that it would be that painful to pass something so small. It was a little more than half the size of my hand and it had a little tail. You know the tail that you see when the baby still looks like a tadpole?
On March 3, 2017, when it fell into the toilet, I cried so hard. That was my baby.
And then so many thoughts ran through my head.
That was probably my little boy. Maybe my body rejected me having a boy because I was only meant to have girls. Maybe I was being punished for any prior transgressions. Maybe I didn't deserve to have any more kids.
I don't know how long I cried over the toilet and prayed for my baby's soul. Even though it wasn't the most sanitary, I took a picture of my unborn baby in the toilet, so that I would never forget.
I couldn't bring myself to flush it for a long time. I had a friend who buried hers in her yard. I didn't have my own yard and I didn't think my in-laws would appreciate that.
When I finally found the courage to flush the toilet, I cried more and more. I don't even remember where my other kids were when I was going through this because I was in such a daze. I felt completely alone.
I didn't want to bring it up with my friends who had been through it because I didn't want to bring up any of their own painful memories. So I just suffered in silence. Kept all of that pain and sadness to myself.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
But, as I sit here, holding my rainbow baby as a type this, I just want to let you know that if are going through this or have gone through this and want to talk about it, I am here to listen. No one should have to go through that alone and feeling like they have to keep everything bottled up inside.
This is why I started AMI (All Mommy Issues)—to embrace, support, and empower one another to get through all of these issues. Our village is big; and we are stronger than we think.
QUESTION OF THE DAY
How have you handled a painful experience? Share with other moms on the @allmommyissues Facebook page.